Feeling Alone

As the anniversary of Dad's death approaches, I find myself feeling very alone. For me, it still feels as if it occurred yesterday, and when I sit and think to myself, "really, it's been a year?" I can't believe it still.

I feel as if everyone has moved on, but I'm stuck.

I accept, but I don't understand

For those of you following me through my grief counseling process, last nights meeting covered the question of "why?" They emphasized that through the process of grief, you move from asking "why?" to "How can you use this, God?" and "What can I learn from this?". I can definitely say, I am not there at all. Still, they did emphasize this process can take years.

One comment made in the video was that eventually you don't think about the grief everyday. I can't say I believe that much. I can't imagine going a whole day without thinking of Daddy. His picture is everywhere in my home. I love staring at it and it's a comfort.

Since I'm supposed to be honest about my grief, I'll admit my heart is aching a bit more lately. I think because next month will be a year. It seems odd a whole year has almost gone by. It still doesn't feel real at times.

Similes

Okay, so I know we're not all writers. I know writing similes can be tough. But really? These are some examples of what was turned in...

As ugly as chicken pox
As dumb as a moth
As poor as a school teacher (thanks for that one...sheesh)
As cute as an Easter egg
As bald as a dolphin (are dolphins technically bald?)
As neat as a sock (really?)
As cute as me (a boy wrote that one--talking about himself of course)
As ugly as miror (exact wording and spelling...third person to use mirror on this one)
As fit as a violet (what???)
As strong as a nun (nice...)
As neat as a lint (???)
As smart as a bee (um...I guess that could work?!)
As cute as a blanket

I can't decide if I should give them back and make them try again...

Get out of my classroom

So, end of the second week. I booted a kid out on Thursday. He was annoying me and giving me attitude. So I told him to get out. Friday didn't seem much better so I called home after school (rather like 4pm because that's the earliest I got finished with meetings on a Friday afternoon). Yes, I called home. I got his father (his father who just got home from Iraq three months ago and is a Marine). Have a nice weekend. Thanks for your time. HAHAHAHAAAA revenge is sweet.

Overall, I love my freshmen. They are wonderful and polite and fabulous. Forgetful? Yes. Do they study? No (except for maybe 5 of them out of 140).

My sophomore class? Annoying. Talkative. Rude. I can't stand them. I don't like them already and it's only beginning the third week. I am doomed.

But no. My friend Gabbi gave me some awesome advice and suggestions for dealing with them. So I have a few strategies to try Monday. Plus I think I'll add to their work load so they have tons to get done. Keep them quiet.

Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

So are there just days that your students are squirrely? Sheesh. I hope it's not my classroom management. It just seemed that everything I had them do they had to be all fidgety and talk. I had to raise my voice a few times, which I don't enjoy. But now I feel a little tired and drained. They freaking annoyed me all day!!!! What if it's like this the whole rest of the year?!?!

Grief Share-Mustache, Mullets, Symptoms of Grief & Paradise Bakery Cookies

If I ever am blessed to run a grief share group (which I have thought about lately), I definitely feel cookies should be involved.Why? Cookies are the best comfort food ever. I think I've admitted this before. Anyway, last night we had week 3 of our grief share meeting. This one focused on symptoms of grief (lots of emotions and physical symptoms). We all stopped for cookies at Paradise Bakery on the way...so yummy...

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but the video was made in the 80's. The fashion proves it. Now, I try to be mature and not focus on the awesomely bad fashion, but at times I just can't help it. There is one guy who has the largest mustache we've all ever seen-it covers both his lips and is all crooked. Every time he comes on, I see Eric start to giggle. Then I see Garrett and Georgia look over-and finally we're all just trying not to giggle so loud.

The mustache guy is impressive, but I almost lost it when I saw the guy with the mullet. I immediately just couldn't focus on what he was saying and just stared fascinated at the mullet. A real mullet. And, he had a mustache too. It was great. I don't know what point he made about grief though...but the mullet did work to cheer a grieving heart.

In any case, they all made good points about grieving. There are very real physical symptoms that go along with it. I remember just being tired all the time. Sleeping. Staring at the wall and wanting to avoid all people. I wouldn't call people back because it just took too much energy to talk.

On the way home, we were devising a plan that involved mustaches like the guy's on the video. We were laughing and teasing each other. And then it hit me-I actually felt a little joy. Just feeling happy at spending time with eric, my brother and sister-in-law, and laughing. I think that is the first time I've laughed for real. 11 months. 11 months to finally laugh again and mean it.

There is a song on Air One, and if you know who sings it can you please tell me? I've carried one line of the lyric with me for 11 months now...I remember hearing this song on the radio shortly after Dad died, and it will pop into my head on days that I just seem to struggle:

"Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."

Unacceptable!!!

Mrs. E. (in a firm, loud voice): "Did you just flip him off across the classroom?!"
Student: "Uh."
Mrs. E (glare at student)
Students: "Yes."
Mrs. E.: "See me after class. Unacceptable behavior!"

Student: "Oh, #*&!*#"
Mrs. E.: "Excuse me!"
Student: "Oh, woops!"
Mrs. E.: "See me after class. Unacceptable language!"

Just some highlights from day four...(fyi, both boys by the way)