I was thinking about the past year and how I feel about things. I came to the conclusion that I've felt like I've been climbing a mountain-and tumbling in the process. Climb. Make progress. Trip. Slide back down. That sort of thing.
My heart has lived a little in anger and bitterness, and I have had a tendency to push people away because of it. I'm tired, and if I'm tired I don't communicate well.
Grief is a very real process that no heart journeys through the same. That is the lesson to learn. (FYI-don't buy people the dumb Christmas ornament that says "my Daddy is in heaven." That's freaking lame. I really don't want to hang that on the tree every year!) I've struggled a little to let God walk with me through this process. I pushed Him away a few times, and my heart paid for it. But desperately, I do not want Him to leave me-I won't survive without Him.
What do I do with my heart when I'm feeling so many emotions at once? Joy at the idea of a new family, a large family, to be a part of. Sorrow at the loss of my father, the father I thought I'd have on earth for 40 more years. Comfort knowing my mother won't have to live alone anymore. Love for a new man in my mom's life-who will be such a blessing to myself, my husband, and my future children.
What is frustrating is that with beautiful change there is also change that will prick at my heart. Eventually, the hometown I've known for 27 years, and the house I spent 10 of those, will be sold and my new family will be in Hughson. I've always been a homebody, always. I can't really effectively put into words how it will feel to me not to have family in Fortuna anymore. In my childhood, I imagined my life to always be in Fortuna-family close by and my children going to the same schools I grew up in. Obviously, this is not how things turned out. And I struggle with that, and sometimes I get frustrated with God for not letting me have that dream.
I struggle with the Bible verse that talks about God having a plan for my future. Sometimes I don't believe the plan He has is the best for me. Silly me. But if I admit it, then God can use it, and I can grow from it.
So where do I go from here? The vibe I get from people sometimes is that "oh, it's been a year since your Dad died, you should be over it". But no, it becomes a part of my heart, and I carry it with me. And yes, I still think of my Daddy every single day. I will for the rest of my life. But I'm letting the joy come back in-and I'm excited for my mom, and I'm excited to meet new family. I'm excited that I'm loved. And I'm excited to be able to love so many people in my life.
2 comments:
i know exactly how you feel. i was there not that long ago. and your heart never completely heals, i think about my dad every day. i have good days and bad days. it will be 6 years in march.
i understand what you mean about God's plan. i kinda wish He would give you like a calendar or something to let you know where you are on the schedule of your life lol. if only life was that easy. all i know is that it is all part of His plan, what that plan is i have no clue.
please know that i am always here for you, always. even if it means just sitting on the couch watching t.v. and not talking for hours.
you are soo blessed to have the friends and family that you do.
know that it will get better as the years wear on, you won't ever forget about him, you will think of him always, but it does it easier. it wasn't really until this last year that i really started to break out of the fog and depression, this isn't to say i still have bad days.
again if you ever need me i am here for you.
<3
You are truly an inspiration. I haven't been through what you have in the last year, and I can't imagine how I would feel. I think it's so great that you are writing your feelings down.
PS. You will still have friends in Fortuna! :)
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