I've struggled with my attitude. I feel like I've been caught in a trap I created myself. This attitude of anger and bitterness. For the past seven months, I have clung to this attitude. I've struggled in my prayer times-since anger and bitterness were in the way. I wasn't sure how to pray about it or how to approach it with God-because it was consuming me. And, I felt guilty about it. This past weekend I was driving, and it hit me-God is not mad or disappointed at me for feeling anger and bitterness, rather He is disappointed at what I do with these emotions. I admit, I've let these emotions lead the way for awhile. But it struck me, if I let it take over, it will eat away at me, and is that the woman of God I want to be? No. I was terrified by this thought-that I could let anger and bitterness rule my heart.
I've been praying for something beautiful to come out of losing Dad. That sounds weird even as I type it, and it hurts, but God promises that He makes all things beautiful. So I must know that He can make beauty out of grief.
My Mom has the most beautiful heart of any woman I know-so this is what I'm going to pray for- a beautiful heart like hers. I know I have not been through the struggles she has faced, and I know that maybe God will call me to face my own struggles, but I pray through all of it, that I will have a beautiful heart like hers.
I'm afraid I have failed deeply so far-because I've let my emotions get in the way. And I'm thankful for the tug at my heart to walk away from anger, bitterness, hurt and to let God take this emotions and turn them into something beautiful.
3 comments:
that is something i had to deal with shortly after. i prayed to not let the anger inside of me take me over. for it was starting to change me as well.
know that i am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or relate to. because i have indeed walked in your shoes on this topic. and i have become a strong, more compassionate person. i won't lie i still have days where i struggle with it, but i pray for help and guidence to seek me through it all. luckily god blessed me with an amazing husband. (as he has done for you). i know if it wasnt for him i probably won't be here today. i don't know what would have come of if i had let all those emotions take me over completely. i am afraid to think.
your mom is an amazing person. she is again one of those rare angels on earth.
we should all pray for a heart like hers.
hugs!
julie, i see your mom in you all the time. you are right. your mom has an amazing heart and we've talked about it. but i see it in you too! i know it's hard to step outside of your emotions to really witness how you have handled yourself with grace. i know you struggle every single day -- but God is working in you, julie. He will never give up on you or be angry with you. He understands and loves you through even the darkest days. i love you millions upon billions! you are an amazing woman and i wanna be like you when i grow up!
I think you've been too hard on yourself. I can't imagine what you've been going through the past few months. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. If there's anything you can think of, please let me know.
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